Parent Step #2: Strategic Labeled Praise

Instead of "Great job!" — try "Great job getting started on your homework so fast!" Instead of "Nice work!" — try "I love that you listened so quickly." Same warmth, same enthusiasm. The difference is specificity. And that difference is doing more work than you'd expect.

This is called strategic labeled praise. Of all the strategies in this program, this one is shown in research to matter most. In meta-analyses — studies that combine results across many clinical trials — this single strategy has the biggest impact on improving child behavior of anything I teach. Combine all of the strategies and the effect compounds. But if you only took one thing from this entire series, it would be this. Read carefully.

Why This Works

Now that you've spent a week observing the ABCs in your home, it's time for the first real adjustment: strategic labeled praise. Remember that in order to change a behavior we don't like, we need to adjust the antecedent (A) or consequence (C) in a behavioral sequence. Labeled praise is a positive consequence, the "C" in ABC. This is the first change we're making to the behavioral patterns or sequences you were tasked with quietly observing in a nonjudgmental manner over the last week.

Here's the key concept, and it's worth repeating: when you give attention to a behavior, you increase that behavior — regardless of whether the behavior is good or bad. Positive attention after a positive behavior means you'll see more of it. In other words, you give enthusiastic, warm parental attention to your child when they get ready on time and while staying calm, you will see that more often over time. But attention given to a behavior you don't like — screaming, yelling — will often make things unintentionally worse.

This is part of a broader concept called differential attention: learning to give and remove attention strategically to shape behavior. Right now, in Parent Step 2, we're focused on giving attention to the positive to increase those positive behaviors. (We'll cover removing attention, called planned ignoring, in Parent Step 4.)

So why would using strategic praise matter? Some parents feel so defeated by their child's difficult behavior that they feel they do not have any control or power to make change. If you feel this way, what I really want you to know is that you are, right now, the most important person in your child's life — more than any friend, any teacher, until the teen years shift that balance. Your words shape their emotions, behavior, and sense of self regardless of whether it seems that way right now. This is not to make you feel pressure, but instead to understand that you have powerful leverage. It means you already have more influence over this than it might feel like right now.

Labeled vs. Unlabeled Praise

So what do I mean by labeled praise? Most of us praise with "Nice job!", "Good work!", "I like that!" These are unlabeled praises. They are good for self-esteem, but too vague to change a specific behavior you're struggling with, at least not quickly.

Labeled praise names the exact thing you liked. Not "Nice job not arguing about homework" (that still draws attention to the arguing). Instead, say "Great job listening so quickly and coming to the table." Say it warmly, genuinely, smiling. Never sarcastic or clearly frustrated.

This sounds simple, and it can be. But targeting genuinely difficult behaviors takes real strategy, which is what the rest of this piece will walk you through.

"I Can't Think of Anything to Praise"

If your child's behavior has been hard for a long time, you may feel like you only notice the negative. This is a completely normal response to prolonged stress, not a personal failing. Our brains are wired to scan for threat, and a child's difficult behavior registers as exactly that.

But even the most severely aggressive children engage in positive behavior somewhere in their day. The goal is to catch the small moments, not wait for the big ones.

Shaping: Do Not Wait for Ideal Behavior to Use Labeled Praise

Shaping a behavior is key to seeing success with labeled praises. Shaping is the idea that we need to reinforce small behaviors or "wins" that you see in your child to get them to behave in the way you actually want. In other words, we are not waiting for "perfect" behavior to praise.

If you wait for your child to be perfect, you will not make progress because they won't show the behaviors frequently enough for you to reinforce through praise to actually change behavior long term. You won't get to practice the labeled praise strategy because the behavior you're waiting to praise is not happening. Perfection is not our goal. Instead, you need to find the small successes and give a lot of positive attention toward that behavior. Over time, your child will start engaging in the behavior you are praising more frequently.

For example, let's say your child frequently has meltdowns when frustrated and they last for 20+ minutes. As you are now on Step 2 and homework will be to use strategic labeled praises, I want you to praise them when they calm down. Every time. Even if it was the worst meltdown you've ever seen. It does not matter. This could sound like, "I appreciate you calming down" or "Nice job taking a breath and calming down." You are teaching your child that they get your attention when they are able to take a deep breath and calm down. You love that they finally calmed down, so you're going to tell them that specifically. This helps them learn to regulate their big emotions. Do this consistently for 1–3 weeks, and you should see the length of their meltdowns reduce.

Now, here's where additional strategy comes in and why I call this skill strategic labeled praise. As soon as you notice some improvement in the length of meltdown, you then need to shift your language from "Thanks for calming down!" to "Nice job calming down so quickly!" Notice how you are now targeting the speed of that behavior. Praise the speed at which they calm down over and over. You may feel repetitive, and that is perfectly acceptable — in fact we want repetition! You should then notice over another week or two that they calm down faster. Eventually, you should notice that your child stayed calm in a situation that used to lead to a major meltdown. This is a huge improvement, and you have to give them credit. This is a perfect example of how your praise over time has changed your child's own ability to regulate those big emotions from meltdown to staying calm. You must notice this and phrase your praise emphasizing that they stayed so calm (e.g., "Nice job staying so calm!!", "I know that wasn't what you wanted but I love how you let it go.")

The point is that over time you shift your verbal labeled praises to shape the behavior and eventually help your child learn to regulate their behavior. Again, we are not aiming for perfect behavior. This is an unreasonable expectation for any child. But we can aim for what I like to call ideal behavior. In the meltdown example, ideal behavior may be that your child gets frustrated (which is a normal emotion), but that they calm down or let it go within a few minutes, mostly on their own. This is developmentally normal for a young child and is not to be punished. Keep in mind your child's age and developmental abilities so that your expectations are appropriate. It is expected that toddlers will have meltdowns. Even if some meltdowns are developmentally normal, we can still help them learn to calm down in a healthy way. In contrast, teenagers having frequent 30+ minute meltdowns is not typically considered developmentally typical. Having an understanding of what is typical for our kids will help us regulate our own big emotions around helping them.

"Why Should I Be Nice When They're Being So Mean?"

I hear a version of this constantly: "Why should I be nice to them when they're making our family miserable?" If your child has been aggressive, defiant, or exhausting to be around, that reaction is completely reasonable. You're not alone in feeling it, and it doesn't make you a bad parent.

Here's my honest recommendation: have the thought, acknowledge it, and do your best to set it aside. Labeled praise isn't about being "nice" for its own sake — it's a strategic tool grounded in decades of clinical research on child development and behavior change. If managing your own frustration in the moment feels like more than you can do alone, working with a therapist on that piece is a completely reasonable step too.

There's a second, related instinct worth naming directly: the urge to sit down and explain to your child why their behavior needs to change. Reasoning and lecturing feel productive — surely if you just explain it clearly enough, it'll click. But children, especially in the heat of the moment, don't have the same reasoning capacity adults do. Many parents don't fully account for this, and end up frustrated when a calm, logical conversation simply doesn't land the way it would with another adult. That frustration isn't a sign you necessarily explained it badly — it's a sign the tool doesn't match the moment in a child. Change here tends to come from what you do in the moment, like a labeled praise the instant you see the behavior you want, far more than from what you explain afterward.

A Real Example: The Sibling Fight While You're Busy

You're washing the car out front. Your kids are inside, and you keep hearing screaming. Someone's hitting, someone's snatching toys. You go in, correct it, go back outside. Repeat. It's frustrating, and nothing seems to change.

Using only what you know from Parent Steps 1 and 2: set a timer for every 5 minutes if ages 4–7 and 10 minutes if they are 8–10. When it goes off, go inside and check on them. If they're playing nicely, praise it enthusiastically — "Thanks so much for playing so nicely," "I love when you guys get along" — then step back out. Set the timer for the same interval, and repeat the praising each time the timer goes off. This won't eliminate every conflict and may not resolve anything today even, but it starts training your attention — and theirs — toward the behavior you actually want to see more of. In Parent Step #5, we'll discuss how to pair an extra exciting "reward" along with the labeled praise when they are successful, as a boost to teach your kids that they are on the right track.

The younger the child, or the more severe the current behavior, the shorter your check-in window should be. You want them to be able to succeed in that window. The whole point is to catch them being good. If you wait too long and you can't praise, it defeats the purpose. Remember, when you give attention like strategic praise to your child's behavior, you will see that behavior increase or improve.

How to Build Your Own Strategic Labeled Praise

Step 1: Define the problem clearly. Example: constant whining about a sibling's toy.

Step 2: Identify the positive opposite. What would success actually look like? Be specific. Example: happily playing with their own toys, content with what they have.

Step 3: Write the praise that targets that opposite. "I love the way you're happy with your toys." "I love how you're focusing on yourself." "I love that you're happy for your sister getting to play with hers."

A second example: Problem: anger and tantrums when things don't go their way. Positive opposite: frustrated, but takes a breath, accepts the request, stays calm. Praise: "Nice job staying so calm." / "Thanks for accepting the house rule." / "I love how quickly you listened."

What to Expect When You Start

Kids respond to new praise in one of three ways.

Neutrally, or like they did not hear you. This is probably the most common response parents report to me. Your child very well may not respond at all, almost as if they are ignoring you. Don't worry, and whatever you do, do not get upset. Go about your day after you praise as normal. No response does not mean it will not work, and often this turns into a more positive response over time. If I had to estimate, approximately 50–60% of families report this initial response to praise. It still works. Keep going!

Positively. Your child may smile or show pride in themselves when you use frequent labeled praises. Keep it up! Your child may even ask curiously, "Why are you talking to me like that?" If their tone is respectful, kind, or neutral, answer honestly with something like "Well, you do a lot of great things, and I just thought I'd tell you more." Approximately 20–25% of families report their child has this sort of positive initial response when they start to use labeled praises. If your child asks you disrespectfully or rudely, see the next point.

Negatively. About 20–25% of families I work with report that their child found the praise genuinely aversive at first. The praise and warmth actually angered them, or seemed to "trigger" them. I see this most often in children with more severe defiance or aggression, or in families where the parent-child relationship has been especially strained for a period of time. Common stories from parents are their child will say with an attitude, "Don't talk to me like that" or "Why are you talking to me like that?" while rolling their eyes. This is hard for parents who are putting in real effort to praise consistently. It takes patience, and it can take time for your child to get used to this new way of interacting with you. Pushing through this stage matters. We don't move on to Step 3 until you feel comfortable praising and are seeing some level of improvement in how it's received. Just make sure you aren't unintentionally coming across as sarcastic, annoyed, or disingenuous. That would of course be the reason for the negative response.

So what do you do when praise gets a negative reaction? Use a strategy called planned ignoring. Note this is actually a part of Parent Step #4, but you'll need to use it a bit early if your child is angry or lashing out after you praise them. Ignore your child's words and attitude completely. When you remove attention from a behavior, it will extinguish, or go away, over time. No speaking, no eye contact, no facial reaction. I want you to respond as if they hadn't done anything at all. This removes the attention fueling the negative reaction, and if done correctly, their negative attitude will stop. The catch: ignoring only works if you ignore all the way through the behavior. Fifteen seconds of ignoring followed by giving in and engaging will predictably make things worse. I will explain more in Parent Step 4.

For now, only use planned ignoring in this one specific scenario: when your child reacts negatively to strategic labeled praise. We'll expand how and when to use it starting in Step 4, and the order matters here just as much as everywhere else in this program. With practice over 1–3 weeks, most children shift from that negative reaction to something more neutral or positive.

Remember, do not use planned ignoring in any other scenario except directly following praise if needed.

One important exception: if your child's negative response becomes aggressive (hitting, kicking) or destructive (throwing or breaking things), end your ignoring immediately. Respond the way you normally would, ideally with an immediate consequence — we'll cover the full discipline framework in Step 6, but for now, just do what you'd already do in that moment. Planned ignoring is never the right tool for aggression or destruction. It does not work and is not appropriate for dangerous behavior.

For example: you praise your child for calming down — "Good job calming down" — and they respond by screaming again and hitting you. Don't ignore that. Respond with your normal consequence. If you are not confident in the normal consequence you would use, a simple, effective option for now is to create physical space: step into another room until they've calmed down. We'll get into the full range of strategic consequences in Step 6, where you will get very good at coming up with appropriate consequences, determining their length, and implementing them in a consistent way that truly reduces these behaviors.

Your Homework This Week

Go heavy on using strategic labeled praise for 1–2 weeks. This is the tweak to the "C" in the ABCs of behavior. Remember, in order to change a behavior we don't like we have to change the antecedent or consequence. This is the first (positive) consequence strategy we'll discuss.

Be honest with yourself: are you catching the small wins, or only the big obvious ones? This is the foundation everything else in the program builds on. Remember shaping, and focus on the smaller wins if your ideal behavior is not clearly occurring. It is critical to do this well before moving forward to Parent Step 3.

This is Step 2 of The Parent Steps, my six-step framework for behavioral parent training. The steps build on each other, and skipping ahead won't get you the results you're looking for with your child and family.