What to Do When Daycare Drop-Off Falls Apart

So far, we've discussed assessing the behavioral sequences in your household (Step 1), using strategic positive attention to increase positive behaviors and reduce negative behaviors (Step 2), engaging in one-on-one youth-led play/activity (Step 3), and how to reduce your attention to your child's minor misbehavior to get them to stop (Step 4). I hope you've had some success in the last two weeks implementing all 3 of these strategies. Strategic labeled praise is a positive consequence strategy. Special time is an antecedent strategy. Planned ignoring is a negative consequence strategy.

Instead of moving on to the next step of reward charts and incentive systems, I want to pause and show you what it looks like when you put the steps you already have to work on a problem a lot of you are living through right now as the start of the school year is upon us. Difficult school or daycare drop-offs.

If your child clings to you at the door, cries when you leave, or turns getting out of the car into a twenty minute negotiation, this one is for you.

Two Part Process

When I work with a family on separation anxiety and how this impacts school or daycare drop-off, I like to think of it as a two-part process, implemented either sequentially or concurrently.

Part One: Home Practice

Separation anxiety gets better because a child gets repeated practice being away from you and discovers that they can do it and are okay.

If your child has a hard time being away from you at home, start exposing them to brief moments of that separation. Step out of sight for 5 seconds, come back, and give a strategic labeled praise. Some kids need a whole week at that 5-second mark before they're ready to move on, and that's fine. Once your child is consistently fine at 5 seconds, stretch it to 10. Then 30. Then a minute.

The interval depends on your child's age and where you're starting from. You want your child to succeed at each step. If they scream or cry when you're out of sight for 30 seconds, you went too fast. Drop back down to a smaller interval. You want to set them up so that you have the opportunity to give a strategic labeled praise for their success. As you learned in Parent Step 2, when you give attention to their positive behavior, they'll do that positive behavior more.

Every time your child handles the separation well, even a little bit well, use labeled praise. Name exactly what you're proud of.

For a younger child: "You were so brave staying here while I was in the kitchen."

For an older child: "Great job playing on your own while I grabbed my water."

You are teaching your child's brain to associate separation with success and pride. You're also teaching them that you'll always come back.

Part Two: Daycare and School Drop-Off

Bring the same tools to the morning routine. Strategic labeled praise from Step 2, and planned ignoring from Step 4.

Getting ready is where most families lose the morning before they even leave the house. Praise the behaviors you want and don't respond to the complaints. If your child puts their shoes on while grumbling about not wanting to go, praise the shoes. "Great job getting your shoes on all by yourself." Say nothing about the grumbling. Don't correct or acknowledge it.

In the car, praise getting in, then shift the conversation forward instead of backward. Don't reassure. Don't explain why it will be okay. Honestly, that kind of reasoning tends to fuel the fear rather than settle it. "You're so brave for going to school today." "Your teacher is so excited to see you!"

If your child whines or protests, don't respond to the content of it. Just stay warm and confident. "I can't wait to hear about your day."

Once you arrive, keep the praise specific and keep it moving. "Good job getting out of the car." "I love how you're walking with me and holding my hand."

Then say goodbye and part ways without lingering. Lingering is often due to our own anxiety. Understandable, but it almost always makes it worse. A long goodbye gives a child more time to escalate and evidence that you're worried too.

If tears come at that moment, don't get frustrated and don't linger longer than you planned. "I love you. I'll see you after school. I can't wait to hear about your day."

A Story

A family I worked with has a toddler who wasn't able to attend daycare last year — he got too upset at drop-off and stayed upset through the day. This school year started on similar footing. Protesting in the car, crying at drop-off, crying for most of the day. Understandably, the mom really needed her son to be able to stay in school and wasn't sure how to help him.

I spoke with the parent on a Wednesday and taught her Parent Steps 2 and 4, labeled praise and planned ignoring, and walked her through the two-part process above. She started the next morning, Thursday. Teachers reported his best day yet, with only brief crying during one transition. By Friday, the parents reported no meltdowns on the way to school, minimal complaining, and just a slight quivering lip at the door. Mom kept the drop-off short and sweet, and the teacher welcomed him warmly and helped him inside. No crying at all that day, according to his teachers.

I'll say this: his success probably also came from getting used to the new routine itself. But the parents using research-backed tools gave him the confidence he needed to get there.