Midweek Check-In: How Long Are Escalations Lasting?

If you started practicing planned ignoring after Sunday's article, I want to check in on one specific thing this week: how long did the behavior last once you started ignoring it? That's data that you want to keep in mind as you continue practicing over the coming weeks.

Most parents brace for the worst. You expect the whining or the meltdown to go on forever if you don't step in. That expectation is normal.

So here's your question for the week: did the escalation ever stop faster than you thought it would? Even once? That's the moment I want you paying attention to.

I knew a boy in early elementary school. When he didn't get his way, he would throw himself on the floor, kick, and scream at full volume. Understandably, when his parents learned planned ignoring, they were concerned it would go on for twenty minutes, maybe thirty, maybe longer. They braced themselves every single time before they even started.

They committed to it anyway. No eye contact. No talking, anger, or lectures. No response of any kind, no matter how loud it got. Just calmly waiting for him to stop or do anything positive.

The first time they held it all the way through, he stood up and walked away on his own within three minutes.

This wasn't luck, and it wasn't because their son suddenly changed overnight. It happened because that behavior had always worked for him before. The moment it stopped working, his brain didn't have a reason to keep going. His parents held the boundary.

This Is Not Neglect

I want to pause here, because I know that for some parents this approach can feel cold. When your children were infants, this is the exact opposite of what is healthy for helping a child who is upset. An infant's cry is a request for basic needs and co-regulation, and it should always be met with a response.

But I need you to hear this clearly: for children ages 4 and up, this is appropriate to use for brief periods of time, and only when you are also using heavy strategic labeled praise and daily Special Time, Parent Steps 2 and 3. Those two strategies are what make planned ignoring safe and effective. Without them, this would just be withdrawal. With them, it's one small, deliberate piece of a relationship that is otherwise full of connection and attention. A child having a tantrum over a second cookie is communicating something very different, and responding to it the same way you'd respond to an infant's cry can actually work against them.

For some children, co-regulation, you staying close, talking them through it, trying to calm them down together, doesn't actually help them calm down faster. For a child who has learned that big feelings get big attention, your calm voice and your presence in that moment can accidentally fuel the outburst rather than settle it. Planned ignoring, used briefly and strategically, teaches something co-regulation sometimes can't: how to take a breath and use their words without you standing right there prompting them through it.

Later, in Parent Steps 5 and 6, we'll talk about giving your child more direct instruction on coping skills in the moment. For now, keep it simple. Briefly and temporarily remove your attention. The instant your child calms down, or even does one small positive thing while still upset — puts a fork in the sink while still stomping their feet, for example — turn back to them right away. Give them your attention, and ideally a labeled praise. "Thanks for putting that in the sink."

You're not punishing them by staying quiet. You're teaching them that calm, or even one step toward calm, is what gets your attention back.

Most families see improvements after a few weeks of consistent practice, depending on the age of the child and severity of the challenges. Many meltdowns will still run long, especially early on, while your child is testing whether the old rules still apply. What I want you to notice this week isn't whether every single instance is short. I want you to pay attention to the pattern so that when it does start to shift, you're able to shift your praise.

Over time, with repetition, this is exactly what should keep happening. The outbursts should get shorter. They should get less frequent. And you should start dreading them less, because you'll trust that you know exactly what to do when one shows up.

Make sure you ask yourself: Are you ignoring all the way through, every single time, even when it gets worse before it gets better? And is your labeled praise showing up the second the behavior stops?

Remember: planned ignoring is technically a consequence strategy. It is a parent behavior that comes right after a child's whining for a second cookie. Once a parent is comfortable with this strategy, it is much easier to use than constant removal of privileges for whining, begging, or screaming. Eventually you run out of things to limit or take away, and that's one (of many) ways consequences can fall apart and parents get stuck and inconsistent.

Keep going this week.