Staying in Step 2 (On Purpose)

This article is for educational purposes and isn't a substitute for individualized clinical care.

The first appointment with parents after teaching Parent Step 2, strategic labeled praise, is one of my favorite meetings. It often gives me a window into what the next few months may be like with the family.

What do they remember from our last appointment? Did they try the strategies with their child? Did they try a lot? Do they show up to the appointment with notes? Do they remember what they did? Did they carve out time throughout the week to really focus on the praises and which ones to use? If two parents are in the home, are they both invested? Do they have a glimmer of hope in this process? What are their facial expressions like? Tone and body language. All of it clues me into what is going on.

The appointment this week is often really fun because so many families show up pleasantly surprised, relieved, even excited.

So check in with yourself. Where are you at right now? What do you remember from the last post that taught strategic labeled praise? Did you make time to practice? Did you take notes or remember what you did? Did you actively carve time to think through this process and give it a whirl? If applicable, is your partner also trying? How are you feeling? Any progress in your child or your family's dynamic?

Approximately 60% of families I work with report some improvement in their child's behavior, mood, or family dynamics within 1–2 weeks of beginning Parent Step 2. Maybe you're one of them. Among that 60%, some of those families report large improvements while others report minor positive moments that are new and different from before. The remaining 40% take a little longer.

If you do not notice any improvement in 3 weeks of using strategic labeled praise, then something is not right. I'm not talking perfect behaviors — I wouldn't expect that. But if you don't notice any positive shift, even if small, then we need to pause and figure it out. The strategic labeled praises aren't being utilized in the way we need to. Maybe the frequency isn't there. Maybe the tone or other complicated dynamics are getting in the way. Are you being present enough to notice the small improvements? Maybe the shaping is the hard part, and if your child's behavior is severe, it is very hard to find those small moments to attend to. If this is you, you may benefit from one-on-one support with a therapist or psychologist. It is also possible you just need to add Steps 3 and 4 before more noticeable shifts occur.

If you have noticed improvement, even small ones, amazing! I want you to reflect on what you've noticed. Is it your child's mood? Overall, less battles or pushback? More frequent smiling and happier mood? The details matter, so think very explicitly about what feels easier. If you really can't pinpoint anything other than an overall "feel," that is okay! But pay attention this coming week to get more specific with yourself on what has improved. The details matter in order to praise well. Are they completing tasks quicker? Perfect — praise speed. Are they letting go of things more easily when not getting exactly what they want? Brilliant — praise keeping calm. Are they smiling and wanting to spend more time with you? Very sweet — tell them how much you loved seeing them so happy this week.

The key to the Parent Steps is that we aren't moving on to the next step until you feel very confident in each one. So we are going to sit in Step 2 for another week before we add something new. Remember, from now on we are always using strategic labeled praises. Once we move onto the next steps it will add additional things for you to focus on, so you really want to get good at each step so it's easier to learn the next.

If you've noticed some form of improvement this week, now it's time to start focusing on the shaping concept again. As outlined in the last article, I assigned you to praise your child after calming down at the end of every meltdown. I don't care if it took 30+ minutes. You want them to be calmer; when they do it, you need to genuinely praise them: "Great job calming down." If you noticed that they have started calming down faster than usual, then you're in the perfect spot to shift to the next phase of this praise: "Great job calming down so quickly!" Say this over and over for the next week, and you should start to see additional moments when they stay calm overall in scenarios that used to anger them. Then shift the praise again: "Great job staying so calm." "Thanks for letting that go." You have to notice when these things are improving in order to reinforce that behavior and teach your child.

If you've noticed improvements, that's what I want you to focus on this week: shaping.

If you feel you need to lock in a bit more this week — great. I love that you noticed that (I praise you too). Things to praise are everywhere. Patience, communication, effort, humor, creativity, or a warm statement about spending time with them. As simple as putting their fork on the table (instead of throwing it on the floor). You can praise something they are doing in this moment or that they did recently. "Hey, I really loved that you trusted me earlier today and told me about the problem with your friend."

A few strategies you can do to help yourself:

Make sure you're focused on the positive behavior they are doing and not on the negative behavior they have avoided. Example: not "Thanks for not screaming." Instead: "Thanks for staying calm and telling me in a regular voice."

Set a repeatable alarm every 15 minutes for an evening or a day over the weekend, when you're with your child for a chunk of time. Every time the alarm goes off, find something you can give a strategic labeled praise for. This will help remind you and get you in the habit of thinking about this.

Pick a window of 60 minutes where you are praising as much as humanly possible. "Thank you..." "I love that..." "That was so smart when you..." "I appreciate..." You certainly don't need to praise so intensely that it's exhausting on a normal day, but this is meant to be a dramatic exercise to get you good at the skill.

Pick a window of 1–2 hours where you are constantly searching for the positive behaviors, small, medium, and large. Write them down in your phone in the notes app. Putting a dish on the counter. Using a napkin. Walking to put a toy in their room. Telling you how they feel while crying, but hands are to themselves. Write everything for the hour down. You may be surprised how many behaviors you notice. Again, a dramatic example to help you in this exercise. Don't forget to praise some of those as well.

If you have a partner, remind each other (gently) to encourage each other. Say the praises to your child in front of your partner while making eye contact with your partner to clue each other in.

Make sure you are labeling your praise. It's not just "Thanks!" This won't work in the same way.

Check in on your tone or facial expressions. Make sure you are not sarcastic, mad-sounding, or stone-faced. Aim for empathy and softness in hard moments that have resolved, and enthusiasm and genuine joy when the moments are already positive.

Have a great week and good luck! Next Sunday, Parent Step 3 — 10 minutes that can change everything.