10 minutes that change everything.
Parent Step 3 is a child-directed play activity, one-on-one with you. This approach is used in other treatments, including Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, where it's called special time. Special time (or one-on-one time, if your child is 8 or older) is a brief daily activity between you and your child. I recommend 5 to 15 minutes depending on age, but stick to the same time frame each day. If you choose 5 minutes, don't stretch to 15 on some days. If your child has behavioral challenges, that inconsistency sets you up for a fight when you go back to 5 minutes.
Your child chooses the activity and leads it. Your job is to follow along and use a few specific verbal skills while avoiding others. We call these the "DO" and "DON'T" skills.
DO: strategic labeled praise (Parent Step 2), behavior descriptions, reflections.
DON'T: ask questions, give commands or directions, criticize.
Whether special time happens is not your child's choice. They don't get to opt out. This is a tool you're using to improve your child's mood, listening, confidence, independence, and your relationship with them.
I understand you already spend time with your child: meals, homework, driving to activities, playing outside, reading together. All of that matters. But Step 3 isn't more of what you're already doing.
The difference is control. Most of a child's day is other people directing them: where to be, what to eat, how to act. Kids with challenging behaviors are often chasing a sense of control above everything else. Special time flips that. For a few minutes every day, they're in charge, and you're there watching them lead, using a few specific statements that have a real therapeutic effect.
I didn't develop special time. It's been studied for decades and is a core piece of PCIT (Parent-Child Interaction Therapy). I've taught it to families for 8 years, 6 of those as a certified PCIT therapist.
Here's the part people skip: if you correct your child during special time, tell them to switch activities, or point out they're breaking a rule, you move away from the reason the play is therapeutically beneficial.
Predictability matters as much as the activity itself. A child who knows special time comes every day, ideally at the same time, settles into it faster than one who gets it three times one week and not at all the next.
The activity needs to be hands-on and ideally creative or constructive.
Best special time activities: Legos, magna tiles, coloring, arts and crafts (as long as not overly messy), playsets, bracelet making, backyard sports (with a caveat below).
These activities work well because the child can easily lead and leave you plenty of room to practice the three DO skills. Sports are the exception worth a note: parents naturally want to coach the perfect throw or kick, but in behavioral parent training these are technically commands. Let go of coaching entirely and stick to praise: “Great kick.” “Perfect aim.” “I love your focus on that throw.”
Not special time activities: reading, screen time or movies, shopping, going out to eat, anything messy like painting, card or board games with strict rules.
Games with rules are a trap: your child will bend them, and you'll feel the pull to step in and teach. Messy activities create the same pull. Shopping, TV, and outings don't give you the room to praise, reflect, and describe the way hands-on play does.
The first few days can feel awkward. Letting your child lead can feel unnatural at first. Take a back seat, but stay engaged and talk with them.
Special time isn't meant to replace your normal parenting, and your child shouldn't be in control all day. It's a concentrated dose of connection that does real work on the relationship and on their willingness to listen the rest of the day. Most families see increased listening and a better relationship within 1 to 3 weeks of doing it daily.
Note that in Parent Step 2, we praise throughout the day. Think of special time as an opportunity for a very high dose of that same positive attention.
A child who won't engage in special time at first is a common challenge; kids test whether this new attention is real before they accept it. Knowing how to end special time without giving in to a tantrum for more is another. My upcoming digital course walks through more of what happens when special time breaks down in week one, and exactly what to do.
Open your calendar now and schedule special time with your child. Find your 5 to 15 minutes: right after school, right before dinner, wherever it fits. Put it on the schedule, same time each day if possible, and start today.
If it feels awkward at first, that's expected. Keep showing up, keep praising, and give it time to work.
— Dr. Emily
These articles teach the framework. The program applies it to your specific family, with 1-on-1 sessions with Dr. Emily.