Parent Step 3: Giving Your Child a Sense of Control

Parent Step 3 is a child-directed play activity, one-on-one with you. This approach is used in other treatments, including Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, where it's called special time. Special time (or one-on-one time, if your child is 8 or older) is a brief daily activity between you and your child. I like to recommend families engage in 5 to 15 minutes depending on age, but stick to the same time frame each day. In other words, if you choose 5 minutes a day, I would not recommend doing 15 minutes on some days. If your child has behavioral challenges, this will set you up for a fight when you go back to 5 minutes.

Your child chooses the activity and leads it. Your job is to follow along and use a few specific verbal skills while avoiding others. We call these the "DO" and "DON'T" skills.

DO: Strategic labeled praise (Parent Step 2). Behavior descriptions. Reflections.

DON'T: Ask questions. Give commands or directions. Criticize.

Whether special time happens is not your child's choice. They don't get to opt out. This is a tool you're using to improve your child's mood, listening, confidence/self-esteem, independence, and your relationship with them.

Why This Isn't the Same as "Quality Time"

I understand we're all busy and you already spend time with your child. Meals, homework, driving to activities, playing outside, and reading together. All of that matters. But Step 3 isn't more of what you're already doing.

The difference is control. Most of a child's day is other people directing them: where to be, what to eat, how to act. Kids with challenging behaviors are often chasing a sense of control above everything else. Special time flips that. For a few minutes every day, they're in charge, and you're there watching them lead, using a few specific statements that have a real therapeutic effect.

I didn't develop special time. It's been studied for decades and is a core piece of PCIT (Parent-Child Interaction Therapy). I've taught it to families for 8 years, 6 of those as a certified PCIT therapist.

Here's the part people skip: if you correct your child during special time, tell them to switch activities, or point out they're breaking a rule, you are moving away from the ways in which the play is beneficial therapeutically.

What you do:

Let your child choose the activity and lead it. Show up fully: phone away, other tasks paused, on the ground or at the table, eye contact. Keep it short, daily, and at the same time each day if possible.

Focus on the verbal skills: give warm, frequent strategic labeled praise ("Great job building that tower"), describe what the child is doing ("Now you're adding an extra level to the tower"), and reflect what your child is saying — child says "I think I want to make it taller," parent repeats or paraphrases, "Oh, you want to make it taller."

What you don't do:

Give instructions, commands, or corrections, even if well-intentioned ("Put the lego here," "How about we color instead of build legos?" "No, don't do that"). Criticize anything they do, even if it bugs you — this is not a teaching moment ("I don't like it that way. Let's put it here"). Sit quietly watching without engaging in conversation. Talk so much that the child can't get a word in or lead the activity. Sit at a table while they are on the floor or sitting far from your child. Disengage because the dishes or laundry are calling.

Predictability matters as much as the activity. A child who knows special time comes every day (ideally at the same time) settles into it faster than one who gets it three times one week and not at all the next.

Picking the Right Activity

The activity needs to be hands-on and ideally creative or constructive.

Best special time activities: Legos. Magna tiles. Coloring. Arts and crafts (as long as not overly messy). Playsets. Bracelet making. Backyard sports (with a few important caveats).

These activities all work well because the child can easily lead and leave you plenty of room to practice the 3 DO skills (praise, descriptions, reflections). Sports are the exception worth a note. Parents naturally want to coach the perfect throw or kick ("Throw it like this," "Give it a top spin," "Do it this way.") These are well-intentioned statements, but in behavioral parent training they are technically commands, where you are telling them what to do. This is what we want to avoid for these 5–15 minutes. Let go of coaching entirely and stick to praise: "Great kick." "Perfect aim." "I love your focus on that throw." "Nice effort."

Many common daily activities are not ideal for special time.

Not special time activities: Reading. Screen time/movie. Shopping. Going out to eat. Anything messy like painting. Card or board games with strict rules.

Games with rules are a trap: your child will bend them, and you'll feel the pull to step in and teach. Messy activities create the same pull ("Wait, stop!" "Watch the carpet!"). Shopping, TV, and going out of the house aren't quite the creative activities that will allow you to frequently praise, reflect, and describe what your child is doing. Don't set yourself up with activities you can't practice the skills in — that's where the magic happens.

What to Expect

The first few days can feel awkward. Letting your child lead can feel unnatural at first. Take a back seat, but stay engaged and talk with them.

Special time isn't meant to replace your normal parenting, and your child shouldn't be in control all day. It's a concentrated dose of connection that does real work on the relationship and on their willingness to listen the rest of the day. Most families see increased listening and a better relationship within 1 to 3 weeks of doing it daily.

Note that in Parent Step 2 (strategic labeled praise) we praise throughout the day. Think of special time as an opportunity to engage in a very high dose of positive attention including praise.

There are a few ways parents get stuck on this step. A child who won't engage in special time is one common challenge. Kids test whether this new attention is real before they accept it. Another one is how to end special time without giving in to a tantrum for more time. Here we'll cover the concept and what it looks like when it's working.

Your Homework This Week

Open your calendar now and schedule in times for special time with your child. Find your 5 to 15 minutes: right after school, right before dinner, wherever it fits. Put it on the schedule, same time each day if possible, and start today.

If it feels awkward at first, that's expected. Keep showing up, keep praising, and give it time to work.