Why Special Time Sometimes Feels Harder Than It Should

Dr. Emily Gault, PhD · Child Psychologist · July 29, 2026

It's Wednesday, so you've had a few days of special time since Sunday's post. I want to check in now, because this is the step where parents either start seeing the shift or quietly decide it isn't working before it's had a chance to.

Overall, special time is supposed to be an extremely positive experience for your child. The mindset is they can do no wrong during this time, and you layer on positive attention using the 3 DO skills: labeled praise, behavior descriptions, and reflections.

But when things feel hard, it's easy to feel like this step won't work. Here's what I often hear in the first week.

Your Child Ignored Special Time or Refused to Engage

This is common, especially if your child has been testing you for a while. Kids don't trust new attention right away; they've learned that positive attention from you often comes with a catch, a lesson, a correction. If your child walked away, said "this is stupid," or sat there doing nothing, don't cancel special time and don't lecture them about it. Keep engaging in the play and narrate what you're doing. If they come back over, give them the strategic labeled praise: "Thanks for coming back over! I can't wait to see what you want to build now." When the timer goes off, say aloud so they can hear, "Special time is over. I can't wait to see what you want to do for special time tomorrow." Sit down again tomorrow, same time, same enthusiasm. Most families see engagement shift within two to three days. The child who acts unbothered on day one is often the one asking for special time unprompted by day seven.

You Slipped Into Commands Without Noticing

This is the most common one. You're watching your child build, and you say with a smile, "why don't you add a roof" or "careful, that's going to fall." Neither is a labeled praise, a description, or a reflection. They're commands, even when they don't sound like it and even when well-intentioned. If you catch yourself mid-sentence, stop and redirect to a description instead: "You're stacking those really high." The goal isn't perfection this week, it's noticing when you slip, because noticing is what lets you correct it.

You Asked a Question and Didn't Realize It Broke the Rule

"What are you building?" feels harmless, but it's a question, and questions shift control back to you. Swap it for a reflection instead: if they say "I'm building a castle," you say "Oh, you're building a castle." Same information, but they led it, you followed. If they aren't speaking much and you can't reflect, try a "wonder statement" instead: "I wonder what you're building," rather than asking directly. If your child isn't speaking much, reflect everything they do say; giving positive attention when they speak typically increases their communication during play.

Ending Special Time Turned Into a Fight

This shows up commonly, particularly with kids who have more severe behavioral challenges. The timer goes off, your child wants more, and you're not sure whether to hold the line or extend it. Hold the line. If you extend 5 minutes to 12 because they cried, you've just taught them that escalating works. Give a transitional warning before the end, "one more minute of special time," then end it consistently and calmly, the same way every day. If they're upset when it ends, that's actually a good sign; it means the time mattered to them. Acknowledge it without giving in: "I know you want to keep playing, but we'll do this again tomorrow." Then move on.

It Felt Boring, Awkward, or Like You Were Faking It

Completely normal. Keep doing it anyway. Bring your attention back to your child and the skills you're practicing rather than how you feel or whether you're doing it right.

You Missed a Day or Did It Inconsistently

Life happens, and missing one day won't undo your progress. But if special time happens three days one week and zero the next, your child won't settle into it the way they would with daily consistency, and you're unlikely to see clinical, therapeutic improvement. The research shows 5 out of 7 days a week is the minimum to still see change. If you missed a day, don't try to make up for it with a longer session tomorrow, just pick back up at the same time and length.

If you haven't started yet, open your calendar right now. Pick your window, same time every day, and start today. The families who see the fastest shift in listening and mood protect this time the same way they'd protect a medication schedule: daily, non-negotiable, no exceptions for a bad day.

— Dr. Emily