Parent Step 2 Midweek Check-In: How Is Strategic Labeled Praise Actually Going?

It's Wednesday, so you've had a few days to try strategic labeled praise since Sunday's Parent Step post. I want to check in before we get too far into the week, because this is the step where a lot of parents either lock in or can be quietly confused as to how this really shapes behavior.

Parent Step 2, strategic labeled praise, is the first adjustment we're making within the Parent Steps program. Step 1 was observing the behavioral sequences of interactions with your child(ren) and identifying the ABCs of behavior (antecedent, behavior, and consequence). In order to see more kindness, communication, regulation, or independence, we need to adjust the antecedent or consequence that surrounds your child's behavior. Strategic Labeled Praise (Parent Step 2) is the first adjustment we're making, and it's a consequence strategy (a positive one). Read Sunday's post to get caught up on how to use strategic labeled praise, if needed.

Remember, these steps are in a specific order for a reason. If you're new here, please start at Step 1.

Here's what I hear from families within the first week of practicing Parent Step 2, and probably what some of you are noticing at home too.

Your child said nothing. Or acted like they didn't even hear you.

If this is you, you are in the majority. Somewhere around 50–60% of families tell me this is the first response they get. You think through what you want to improve, you notice the positive behavior (even if very small), you think through how to label the praise, and you throw it out there. "Hey, thanks for doing that so quickly!" And your child just keeps doing whatever they were doing or runs off.

Don't fret. This is completely normal but can feel discouraging. It can feel like you're talking to a wall, or worse, like it's not working. It is, and it will. Kids are still absorbing this even when their face isn't showing it. Keep going exactly as you have been. Don't worry about whether your child heard you. Don't comment on the lack of response, don't ask "did you hear me," don't repeat yourself three times to get a reaction. Just praise and move on with your day. The response tends to shift over the next week or two, so give it time before you decide your praise isn't landing.

Your child lit up.

Some of you are seeing smiles, maybe even a little pride. This is great and rewarding for parents, of course! You are actually reinforced to continue using labeled praise when your child smiles back, because it probably feels good to see them feel good for accomplishing something that you appreciated.

I have had several families report that their child gets curious and asks something like "Why are you talking to me like that?" The tone is positive and curious, often with a coy smile. If they ask this respectfully, be honest with them! Something simple like "Well, you do a lot of great things, and I realized I don't tell you enough, so I'm going to do that from now on!" No need to explain the strategy behind it or worry that they are "on to you." When parents express that concern, I tell them that is perfect. You want them to be "on to you." That means they know that you are noticing the positive and will reward them by telling them. Only good comes from this.

What if your child was mean or pushed back?

Remember what I said in Sunday's post. About 20–25% of children will actually initially find your praise aversive and truly not like it. If your child rolled their eyes, said "stop talking to me like that," or had an attitude about the praise, you're not alone, and this is temporary. This shows up more in kids who've had more severe challenges, or in parent-child relationships that have been strained for a while. I know this one is hard. You're putting in real effort and getting attitude back for it. But recognize this reaction for what it is: a sign that this strategy is needed even more than you may have realized. The relationship is quite fractured, and it is vital that you right the ship. This only changes if you keep using strategic labeled praise.

Now, there is a very specific way I want you to handle this that I outlined in Sunday's article, and that is to use a strategy called planned ignoring. No response to the attitude, no eye contact, no explaining yourself. Go about your day as if they hadn't said anything. This is planned ignoring, which we'll cover in full in Step 4, but you need a piece of it now. The reason this works is the same reason praise works: attention increases behavior. Engaging with the eye roll or the attitude, even to correct it, gives it attention and keeps it going. Ignore all the way through it. If you get frustrated and give negative attention, it fuels the negative cycle between you and your child, the exact opposite of what you want. Don't reply, and over time their aversive reaction to your praise will go away as long as you keep doing it frequently and genuinely. Planned ignoring is a consequence strategy (think ABCs of behavior again). We are detecting a negative behavior and we are removing our attention in response to it.

Remember, if they asked you in a fairly calm manner ("Why are you telling me these things") even if skeptical of you, tell them the truth (see the script above about them doing great things and you wanting to tell them). But if they are yelling at you, just don't reply and go about your day. Importantly, when they stop yelling, give them another strategic labeled praise, "Thanks for calming down," and divert their attention to something else positive, "I wonder what we should have for lunch." Sometimes you have to praise, ignore, praise, ignore, praise, ignore. Back and forth. This is normal in the beginning with more severe challenges, but it will get much easier if you keep doing this.

One important line here. If your child's response turns physical — hitting, kicking, throwing something — stop ignoring immediately and respond the way you normally would. Planned ignoring is only for the attitude, yelling, and the words. It is never the tool to stop aggression. If you don't have a clear consequence in mind yet, stepping into another room until things calm down is a fine stopgap for now. We'll build out your full plan for these more severe behaviors in Parent Step 6.

Be honest: how often are you using strategic labeled praise?

A quick note on frequency, because I get the sense that sometimes families don't know what I mean by my "sprinkle these throughout the day" instructions, and so over the years, I've learned to be extremely explicit to increase your chance of success.

I want you to give 2–4 labeled praises per hour when you're around your child. Not every single thing you say to them needs to be a praise, that would be exhausting and unnatural. But we want a handful of them per hour throughout the day among the times of day you are with them (at home, out at an activity, or getting a bite to eat). If that sounds like a lot right now, don't worry. It becomes far more natural within a week or two and starts to flow without you having to think so hard about it. If you are engaging in this frequency, that is perfect! You're off to a great start.

But if you're sitting there thinking, "I genuinely cannot find several positive behaviors an hour to praise," then we have a problem, but that problem is fixable.

They are there. You have to go find them, even if they are micro. A small moment of quiet play, sitting down in their chair at the restaurant, using an inside voice for five seconds, putting a spoon on the table (instead of leaving it on the floor) — all of it counts, especially if the opposite of those positives are challenges. If your child often runs around or gets up from the table, then a perfect behavior to notice is when they walk up to their chair at the restaurant and take a seat. "Thanks for sitting so we can eat" or "I appreciate you sitting so quickly. I'm excited we get to eat here!"

Another key praise that I need to emphasize is a warm statement, such as showing enjoyment in being around them. For example, "I'm glad we got to hang out so much today." That's a strategic labeled praise targeting your relationship and improving the warmth. That counts just as much as a "Thanks for sitting down" praise.

One of my favorite teaching moments with families is the first follow-up appointment after I've taught them strategic labeled praise. They've been assigned to practice the step for a week and report back at the next appointment. At times, families will spend some time recounting the week and listing a series of negative behaviors the family experienced. I understand, they are frustrating. But as they are telling me about their week, I hear often dozens of small (or big) positive moments. When I ask them what praises they used on the various scenarios they recounted, sometimes I get a list of praises that they used. Fantastic! This tells me they are on the right track to shift their attention. But other times, I get a confused look. This is one of my favorite teaching moments, because it demonstrates the problems in the parent-child relationship so well. The purpose of Parent Step 2 practice is to truly get into the habit of noticing the good, not only the hard parts.

I have empathy for this cycle because our brains are literally wired to notice threat. Historically, our attention had to detect threat, such as predators or other risks to our life, and be very attuned to those problems on a daily basis. Nowadays we don't worry about those things in the same way, but our brains continue to work hard at detecting threat. In families with children with behavioral challenges, the threat and stress that is detected becomes all-consuming, and attention is solely given to those hard, frustrating, or even dangerous moments. But your child is a child, and they are not going to be responsible for changing, nor should they be. You are the parent, and we know this can do wonders for teaching your child and for your relationship, so let's right that ship together with something that is readily available for free: your words!

The Key Is Labeled and Strategic Praise, Not Just "Thanks!"

A common challenge parents describe is their child's anger or outbursts over something that is important to them. We, as the adults, also get frustrated when something is important to us but it isn't going to plan, and sometimes we get mad and yell or are dysregulated. It's a human response. Remember your child is human, and you can have empathy for them while also wanting to help them grow, communicate their emotions, and speak respectfully. One of the quickest ways to do this is through strategic labeled praise, but the key is to use shaping.

"My child didn't have any moments where they stayed calm or didn't yell when they got upset, so I didn't have an opportunity to praise." That makes sense if you are looking for your ideal behavior. But remember, Parent Step 2 doesn't start with that. We need to take a week praising the first step of that ideal behavior, which is just calming down in general after getting very heated. At some point after they were frustrated, they stopped eventually, even if it was an hour later. That's when you need to walk up to them and say, "Hey, I know that's not what you wanted, but thanks for letting it go. Did you want to go out back and kick the soccer ball with your dad?" That's it. Praise them after every meltdown ends, no matter how hard it was. Families often tell me that within a week or two of doing this with nearly every meltdown, their child will calm down quicker than usual.

What if I'm already seeing some progress? How do I keep being strategic to get more of the ideal behaviors?

It's only been four days since the Parent Step #2 article was posted. But if you went all in on the strategy, you may notice improvements already. If that's you, your job is to notice what those improvements are. Are they doing things faster? Are they showing any more independence? Are they letting things go? Explicitly define what they are doing well and then praise them specifically for it. Shift the praise to follow their lead. Instead of just praising anytime they calm down ("Thanks for letting that go"), now your job is to shift to "Thanks for letting that go so quickly." This is the strategy. Do that for another week or two, and you should start to see moments where they actually don't even get upset. They stay calm during moments that used to cause meltdowns. Notice it, and shift your praise again. This is the ideal behavior you were hoping for at the start. "Hey, I know that's not what you wanted, but that was really cool that you stayed so calm."

Identify exactly what you're trying to improve, find the positive opposite of that behavior, and use shaping. Praise the small approximations of that opposite behavior even when they're far from where you want to end up. That's how you get several genuine praises an hour, even with a child or a parent-child relationship that's struggling.

If you haven't started yet, what are you waiting for? You've got this! Go back to Sunday's post, pick one behavior to target, and start today.