And that’s why the dynamics between you and your child have not improved.
If you're reading this, you've probably already tried a dozen things to get your child to listen. Sticker charts. Time-outs. Long conversations about "using your words." Maybe some of it worked for a few days. Then it stopped.
I want to tell you something that might be a relief: it's very possible none of that failed because you did something wrong. It's possible it failed because of the order things happened in, and because before we can change a behavior, we have to actually understand the pattern driving it.
That's where we're starting. Not with a fix. Not with changing everything at once. Instead, with one week's worth of observation. This is where the ABCs of behavior come in.
In psychology, we look at behavior as a three-part sequence:
The key to understanding the ABCs of behavior is this: in order to keep a desirable behavior or extinguish a behavior we don't like, we, as parents, have to change either the antecedent or the consequence, or both. This adjustment of the "A" and the "C" is the key to meaningfully changing the dynamic between you and your child.
If we don't know the actual sequence playing out in your home, we can't know how to adjust the antecedent or consequence in a way that's successful. Understanding the sequence is a critical first step to breaking negative behavioral cycles with our kids.
Antecedent: You tell your child to put their shoes on. Behavior: They yell, complain, and refuse. Consequence: You repeat yourself, louder, a few times.
Nothing about this makes you a bad parent. This is an incredibly common sequence. By identifying it, we can begin to understand a few things: first, that putting shoes on may be a specific scenario that causes frequent frustration and stress. Second, that you frequently have to repeat yourself, which becomes important later when we work on reducing repeated instructions. Third, depending on what happens next, your child may not comply with this request at all, and you're left unsure how to move forward.
In another example: Antecedent: You tell your child to put their dishes in the sink. Behavior: Your child listens quickly and completes the task. Consequence: You look away and continue doing what you were doing.
You can't change a pattern you haven't clearly identified yet. That's where we start.
I know it's tempting to want to jump straight to revising things, or to label parts of your reaction, or your child's behavior, as "good" or "bad." Please resist that urge for a week. It's the single biggest reason parenting strategies fail. Trying to change everything at once, without first understanding what's actually happening, sets you up to feel like nothing works. Your child is also very likely to feel overwhelmed and confused trying to understand all the changes at once.
This week, your only job is to notice. Don't judge it, don't try to change it yet. Just watch for the ABC pattern in one or two behaviors that are hard in your house right now. Write it down if that helps you see it more clearly.
Next week, we start making our first, and most research-backed, change: how to use your attention to actually shift behavior. It's a small shift with a surprisingly big effect, and it's the foundation everything else in this series builds on.
— Dr. Emily
These articles teach the framework. The program applies it to your specific family, with 1-on-1 sessions with Dr. Emily.