How to tweak based on how your child responded, or how you're feeling about the step.
It's Wednesday, so you've had a few days to try strategic labeled praise since Sunday's Parent Step post. I want to check in before we get too far into the week, because this is the step where a lot of parents either lock in or can be quietly confused about how this really shapes behavior.
Parent Step 2, strategic labeled praise, is the first adjustment we're making within the Parent Steps program. Step 1 was observing the behavioral sequences of interactions with your child and identifying the ABCs of behavior. In order to see more kindness, communication, regulation, or independence, we need to adjust the antecedent or consequence that surrounds your child's behavior. Strategic labeled praise is that first adjustment, a positive consequence strategy. Read Sunday's post to get caught up, if needed.
Here's what I hear from families within the first week of practicing Parent Step 2, and probably what some of you are noticing at home too.
If this is you, you're in the majority. Somewhere around 50–60% of families tell me this is the first response they get. You think through what you want to improve, you notice the positive behavior, even if very small, you think through how to label the praise, and you throw it out there. "Hey, thanks for doing that so quickly!" And your child just keeps doing whatever they were doing, or runs off.
Don't fret. This is completely normal but can feel discouraging. Kids are still absorbing this even when their face isn't showing it. Keep going exactly as you have been. Don't comment on the lack of response, don't ask "did you hear me," don't repeat yourself three times to get a reaction. Just praise and move on with your day. The response tends to shift over the next week or two.
Some of you are seeing smiles, maybe even a little pride. This is great and rewarding for parents. I've had several families report that their child gets curious and asks something like "why are you talking to me like that?" If they ask this respectfully, be honest with them! Something simple like "Well, you do a lot of great things, and I realized I don't tell you enough, so I'm going to do that from now on." No need to explain the strategy or worry that they're "on to you." That's actually perfect.
About 20–25% of children will actually initially find your praise aversive and truly not like it. If your child rolled their eyes, said "stop talking to me like that," or had an attitude about the praise, you're not alone and this is temporary. This shows up more in kids who've had more severe challenges, or in parent-child relationships that have been strained for a while. Recognize this reaction for what it is: a sign that this strategy is needed even more than you may have realized.
The way to handle it: use planned ignoring. No response to the attitude, no eye contact, no explaining yourself. Go about your day as if they hadn't said anything. This is a preview of Parent Step 4, but you need a piece of it now. The reason this works is the same reason praise works: attention increases behavior. Engaging with the eye roll or the attitude, even to correct it, gives it attention and keeps it going.
One important exception: if your child's response turns physical — hitting, kicking, throwing something — stop ignoring immediately and respond the way you normally would. Planned ignoring is never the tool for aggression. If you don't have a clear consequence in mind yet, stepping into another room until things calm down is a fine stopgap. We'll build your full plan for these more severe behaviors in Parent Step 6.
I want you to give 2–4 labeled praises per hour when you're around your child. Not every single thing you say needs to be a praise, that would be exhausting and unnatural. But we want a handful of them per hour throughout the day, wherever you are together. If that sounds like a lot right now, don't worry, it becomes far more natural within a week or two.
If you're genuinely struggling to find several positive behaviors an hour to praise, that's fixable. They are there, you have to go find them, even if they're small. A moment of quiet play, sitting down in their chair at a restaurant, using an inside voice for five seconds, all of it counts, especially if the opposite is a common challenge for your child.
A warm statement showing enjoyment in being around them counts just as much: "I'm glad we got to hang out so much today" is a strategic labeled praise targeting your relationship and improving the warmth.
A common challenge parents describe is their child's anger or outbursts over something important to them. Remember your child is human, and you can have empathy for them while also wanting to help them grow. One of the quickest ways to do this is through strategic labeled praise, but the key is to use shaping.
If your child hasn't had a moment where they stayed calm or didn't yell when upset, remember Step 2 doesn't start with that. Take a week praising the first step of that ideal behavior, which is simply calming down eventually, even if it took an hour. Praise them after every meltdown ends, no matter how hard it was. Families often tell me that within a week or two of doing this consistently, their child calms down quicker than usual.
If you're already seeing progress, notice specifically what's improving, then shift your praise to follow their lead. Instead of praising anytime they calm down, shift to praising them for calming down quickly. Do that for another week or two, and you should start to see moments when they don't get upset at all, or stay calm during moments that used to cause meltdowns.
Identify exactly what you're trying to improve, find the positive opposite, and use shaping. That's how you get several genuine praises an hour, even with a relationship that's struggling.
If you haven't started yet, what are you waiting for? Go back to Sunday's post, pick one behavior to target, and start today.
— Dr. Emily
These articles teach the framework. The program applies it to your specific family, with 1-on-1 sessions with Dr. Emily.