Why “Good Job!” is not the right phrasing to help your child's behavioral challenges, and how to tweak it to make it powerful.
Instead of “Great job!” — try “Great job getting started on your homework so fast!” Instead of “Nice work!” — try “I love that you listened so quickly.” Same warmth, same enthusiasm. The difference is specificity. And that difference is doing more work than you'd expect.
This is called strategic labeled praise. Of all the strategies in this program, this one is shown in research to matter most. In meta-analyses — studies that combine results across many clinical trials — this single strategy has the biggest impact on improving child behavior of anything I teach. Combine all of the strategies and the effect compounds. But if you only took one thing from this entire series, it would be this. Read carefully.
Now that you've spent a week observing the ABCs in your home, it's time for the first real adjustment: strategic labeled praise. Remember that in order to change a behavior we don't like, we need to adjust the antecedent (A) or consequence (C) in a behavioral sequence. Labeled praise is a positive consequence — the "C" in ABC.
Here's the key concept, worth repeating: when you give attention to a behavior, you increase that behavior, regardless of whether the behavior is good or bad. Positive attention after a positive behavior means you'll see more of it. But attention given to a behavior you don't like, like screaming or yelling, will often make things unintentionally worse.
This is part of a broader concept called differential attention: learning to give and remove attention strategically to shape behavior. Right now, in Parent Step 2, we're focused on giving attention to the positive. We'll cover removing attention, called planned ignoring, in Parent Step 4.
If you feel defeated by your child's difficult behavior, I want you to know that you are, right now, the most important person in your child's life — more than any friend, any teacher, until the teen years shift that balance. Your words shape their emotions, behavior, and sense of self. You already have more influence over this than it might feel like right now.
Most of us praise with “Nice job!”, “Good work!”, “I like that!” These are unlabeled praises. They're good for self-esteem, but too vague to change a specific behavior quickly.
Labeled praise names the exact thing you liked. Not “Nice job not arguing about homework” (that still draws attention to the arguing). Instead, say “Great job listening so quickly and coming to the table.” Say it warmly, genuinely, smiling. Never sarcastic or clearly frustrated.
If your child's behavior has been hard for a long time, you may feel like you only notice the negative. This is a completely normal response to prolonged stress, not a personal failing. Our brains are wired to scan for threat, and a child's difficult behavior registers as exactly that.
But even the most severely aggressive children engage in positive behavior somewhere in their day. The goal is to catch the small moments, not wait for the big ones.
Shaping is key to seeing success with labeled praise. Shaping means reinforcing small wins to get your child to the behavior you actually want, rather than waiting for perfect behavior. If you wait for perfection, you won't get to practice the strategy, because the behavior you're waiting to praise isn't happening often enough.
For example, if your child frequently has meltdowns lasting 20+ minutes, praise them when they calm down. Every time, even after the worst meltdown you've ever seen: “I appreciate you calming down,” or “Nice job taking a breath and calming down.” Do this consistently for 1–3 weeks, and you should see meltdown length start to reduce.
As soon as you notice improvement in the length of the meltdown, shift your language from “Thanks for calming down!” to “Nice job calming down so quickly!” You're now targeting the speed of the behavior. Repetition is the point here. Over another week or two, you should notice your child calming down faster, and eventually staying calm in situations that used to lead to a major meltdown. Your praise, phrased to emphasize what improved, is what shapes that change.
We're not aiming for perfect behavior; that's an unreasonable expectation for any child. We're aiming for ideal behavior given their age and development. It's expected that toddlers will have meltdowns. A teenager having frequent 30+ minute meltdowns is not typically developmentally normal.
I hear a version of this constantly. If your child has been aggressive, defiant, or exhausting to be around, that reaction is completely reasonable. It doesn't make you a bad parent.
Have the thought, acknowledge it, and do your best to set it aside. Labeled praise isn't about being "nice" for its own sake; it's a strategic tool grounded in decades of clinical research on child development and behavior change. If managing your own frustration in the moment feels like more than you can do alone, working with a therapist on that piece is a completely reasonable step too.
There's a related instinct worth naming: the urge to sit down and explain to your child why their behavior needs to change. But children, especially in the heat of the moment, don't have the same reasoning capacity adults do. Change tends to come from what you do in the moment, like a labeled praise the instant you see the behavior you want, far more than from what you explain afterward.
You're washing the car out front. Your kids are inside, and you keep hearing screaming. You go in, correct it, go back outside. Repeat. Nothing seems to change.
Using only what you know from Steps 1 and 2: set a timer for every 5 minutes for ages 4–7, or 10 minutes for ages 8–10. When it goes off, check on them. If they're playing nicely, praise it enthusiastically, then step back out and reset the timer. This won't eliminate every conflict today, but it starts training your attention, and theirs, toward the behavior you actually want to see more of.
The younger the child, or the more severe the current behavior, the shorter your check-in window should be. You want them to be able to succeed in that window.
Step 1: Define the problem clearly. Example: constant whining about a sibling's toy.
Step 2: Identify the positive opposite. Example: happily playing with their own toys, content with what they have.
Step 3: Write the praise that targets that opposite.
Kids respond to new praise in one of three ways:
If your child reacts negatively, use planned ignoring: no speaking, no eye contact, no facial reaction, as if they hadn't said anything at all. This only applies to reacting negatively to praise itself. One important exception: if the reaction becomes aggressive or destructive, end the ignoring immediately and respond with your normal consequence. Planned ignoring is never the right tool for aggression or destruction.
Go heavy on using strategic labeled praise for 1–2 weeks. Be honest with yourself: are you catching the small wins, or only the big obvious ones? This is the foundation everything else in the program builds on.
— Dr. Emily
These articles teach the framework. The program applies it to your specific family, with 1-on-1 sessions with Dr. Emily.